Special Guest Blogger

I’ve been working 14-hour days, and coming home too tired to actually blog much, which is a shame. Somewhere deep inside me, I have a ton of blog posts brewing, but a lot of my time is spent talking to my wife about what she’s going through as she becomes more at ease with her dominance and my submission — especially as our relationship becomes ‘routinized,’ for want of a better word.

So I asked my wife to write a post about her side of it all, and she wrote a brief bit. It’s short, but I think it gives you an idea about what’s going through her head, and how her past informs what we’re doing. Hopefully, if the feedback is good, she’ll write some more — I keep pressing, but I’ve kind of given up all insistence rights lately, what with her controlling whether or not I get to have an orgasm nowadays…

So, without further ado:

Here goes…

I don’t know if any other Dommes/Doms have had this experience, but I’d like to share mine. As the younger sibling of what would now be labeled a “special needs child,” I was pushed aside and put on the back burner most of my life. I was an average student, a good friend, a dutiful child. I felt like I was nothing spectacular. No one expected much from me, and I was rarely encouraged to work toward anything but mediocrity.

In fact, on several occassions, I was given the “you’re only setting yourself up for failure” speech when I found the drive within me to succeed at something, with the unspoken point being, “because you’re simply not good enough.”

As long as I can remember, I’ve been overweight. With my weight (and upbringing), came low self-esteem. I didn’t feel worthless, just not very worthy. Until I met my husband. For the first time in my life, someone believed in me. Me. Plain old me. Someone believed that I could do whatever I dreamt of, be whatever I wanted. And he was attracted to me. Really attracted to me. It was such a change from what I was used to. That encouragement and unconditional love was, I truly believe, one of the driving forces behind me diving head first into BDSM.

Last year, after twelve years of marriage, my husband confided in me on a road trip that he was a submissive and wanted me to dominate him. And I was all for it, even though I didn’t realize what it entailed.

BDSM gives me an outlet like I’ve never had before. I can be strong, dominant, mean, commanding…all those things I’ve always wanted to be, but had to suppress, without fear of repercussions. That’s what I want. And, that’s what my husband wants for me.

I want to be able to be assertive, or even aggressive, to get or do what I want, instead of worrying about anyone else’s wants or needs. At the same time, it’s been very difficult for me to take on this new role whole-heartedly because of the “it’s all about me” factor. It’s never been all about me before. Not even with my husband. Not because he wouldn’t let it be about me, but because I didn’t know how to let it be about me. That may sound like martyrdom, but I assure you, it isn’t. I truly didn’t know how to be selfish.

But after about 6 months of fairly intense, albeit sporadic (due to distance and lack of privacy), BDSM, I am finally fully invested into selfishness. And I love it. I still experience the occasional setback, but who wouldn’t? Thanks to my wonderful husband’s incredible way with prose, and his devotion to the lifestyle we’ve chosen, I am able to see my acts of selfishness in writing on his blog. Talk about a power trip!

I have never before experienced such a rush as when I read what he writes about me, about us, in his blog. It is such an incredible feeling to know that someone thinks that much of you that they’re willing to write about you in their personal online journal. For everyone to read. I’ve even found myself thinking, “I wonder what he’ll say about this in his blog?” after a scene lately. I’m a bit obsessed with seeing my thoughts, words and actions in such a poetic form. I think we’ve created a monster…or let one out of the bag after 30+ years!