It’s strange, but rereading my post about riding my wife like a dirty little pony had me saying to myself, “But you know, I’m still a sub. I still want to be collared and dominated and tortured.”
I like playing the dominant. I like playing the sadist. But I am a submissive. I am a masochist. Those other things are what I can do, but what I am — in my heart — is unmistakably a little worm waiting for some sexy boot to come down on me.
Why do I feel the need to clarify? Why do I feel the need to be enabled, to get affirmation? I don’t need it — I’m fairly confident in who I am and what I get up to. I’m not wracked with guilt after trying to dom my wife. But on some level, there’s this voice in my head that says, “You are a sub. A slave. You are not here to dominate or to hurt, you are here to be dominated, to be hurt, to be annihilated in your Mistress’ will.”
I think part of the reason for this is that I haven’t been dominated lately. I haven’t been hurt. My wife broadcasts these mixed signals on this big, huge frequency that she puts out. It’s why she’s so special, so her — normally the 10,000 watt station that is her personality is blowing out friendly, happy, joyful soccer-mom Sally Homemaker vibes, but when she narrowcasts her dominance, aims it at me, it hits me like a goddamned freight train.
But lately, the signals have been all over the place. Dominate. Be Dominated. The other night while I masturbated for her, she told me about how she wanted to be objectified and used, but she was squeezing my nuts painfully with one hand while torturing my nipple with the other, and the pain was this white hot song on one end of my body and dirge of ache on the other, and driving it all into me was her, with this big Eye of Sauron personality, focused on me, her presence riding in on the pain and the pleasure and impossible to ignore or resist or deny, and all I could do is assent.
And it’s a headfuck, because she’s saying, “Dominate me,” but her personality is overwhelming, crushing me. Like last night, I was the rider, but her demands that I hold the reins, the fundamental need of hers that I was answering, responding to, being driven by — I’m like a blade of grass in a whirlwind, and the whirlwind is telling me to master it.
But I’m just a blade of grass.
If that makes sense.
July 17, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I’m gonna comment on both this post and the previous one here, because they really are intertwined, I think.
I understand your confusion. you can be the dominant partner, but you are submissive. yes, I know you get off on being the dominant from time to time, but I think your basic wiring and desire is that of a submissive. perhaps it would help to clear up the confusion a bit if you were to approach being the dominant with the knowledge that by doing so, you are actually serving and responding to your Mistress.
I think that base wiring may also be part of why you dropped the reins. as much as you enjoy being dominant from time to time, at the base of it all, you are your wife’s submissive, and as such, are wired to suffer for her, not to make her suffer. it causes disconnect. I, as a dominant, enjoy pushing further and harder, knowing that when it really is too much, my boys will let me know. you, as a submissive, don’t have that innate confidence that she will give you an unmistakeable sign if it is too much, and you anticipate having pushed her comfort levels too far.
just my .02… your mileage may vary!
July 19, 2008 at 2:06 am
No, I think you may be on to something — and you make it sound so logical. I just wish I could get my wife to read this post and see what she thinks, but things have been so hectic — we haven’t had any time to kind of recoup and contemplate the whole scene.
July 27, 2008 at 11:20 am
I thought I was the only one…. Although our situations are certainly not identical, I totally resonate with this post. I’m at heart and in soul a bottom (a bit sadly far more into bdsm than my partner), and while he tops me, sure, more and more I top him — partly because there’s a slice of top inside of me too and partly because I just want SOME power play to go on and I don’t get it as often as I wish I did in the form I want it.
I do hope that you and your wife had a chance to talk, and I also thank you, more than I can say, for posting such an honest few paragraphs.
I look forward to being a regular reader.
July 27, 2008 at 11:37 am
P.S. I should amend what I said slightly to say that I’m not FAR more into BDSM than my partner is, but yes, it is true that I am more so than he is, but it’s OK, and that’s another thing I’m happy about, finding your blog, because it certainly doesn’t make me want to leave him, as I can see you aren’t looking to leave your wife — just that you have a place to express these yearnings and make sense of them….
OK. Enough after-the-fact processing from yet another geek girl (who ISN’T a geek)?
July 28, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Thanks for posting, Charlotte!
Charlotte, I think you hit on something about how sometimes we bottoms top our partners just to get some power play going — I know when things have receded to really vanilla sex in the last couple of months, I’ve tried to dominate my wife just to get some power exchange in there. It hasn’t always been successful, though — I suspect I’m not a very good top yet.
July 29, 2008 at 9:43 am
Well, but perhaps this is because your heart really isn’t in it to the fullest extent necessary to push things as far as they could conceivably go. I agree with Myles that there is a particular head space that tops get into (just as there is a particular head space for bottoms) — not that all tops and bottoms experience this space the same way, of course, but you know what I mean.
And I really do think that inhabiting such a space isn’t necessarily about learning and/or experience, but more about where a person IS in his or her life — and so you may or may not become the top you want to be, but I would venture a guess that you are already the bottom you want to be. Sure, time and experience bring things like nifty new techniques and such, but that head space isn’t something that can be learned, I don’t think — it just IS. People get better and better at letting themselves inhabit their particular spaces, but I don’t know that they can be manufactured.
Just like — I used to teach high school English and was both taught in school, and learned for myself, that one does or does not have a gift for teaching. Such a gift just IS. Obviously the gift doesn’t confer knowledge of how to be a good teacher, but it makes that knowledge SHINE in a way that, say, a highly educated, but ungifted, teacher cannot achieve. I guess the same thing can be said about talents of all kinds. So anyway.
Yeah — to me, top and bottom, on the advanced levels, are less about technique (although of course knowledge is a great thing, hahahaha), and more about head space.
July 30, 2008 at 6:32 am
Very well said. My wife definitely has “the gift” for dominance and sadism.
It’s weird, because the minute you broke it down that way, I understood — I studied to be a teacher in undergrad until I got to my practicum and realized I just didn’t have that gift.