Real-Life BDSM Cohabitation Means Big Choices
May 6, 2008 — underthebootI’m swamped with getting ready to move, applying for my career’s certification in my new state, studying for exams, closing up things at work, and dealing with my pseudo-ADD which results in everything being last minute for me no matter how much time I have to prepare. There’s just too much going on and not enough time to do it. But I do have time to talk to my wife, and think about the future, and all of the things that are going to change.
First of all, there’s the fact that my wife and I will have the first chance to join a public scene together. I don’t know about the BDSM scene in the mid-atlantic region — Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, DC — or how friendly it is to married, middle-aged couples. (God, we really are middle-aged, aren’t we? Mid-thirties, right? Wow.) I don’t know if there are any good courses on whipping or play offered anywhere, any good fun clubs to go to, or any people to meet in our area. I don’t know of any munches.
More than that, I don’t know if we want to go to any. I made a statement in my last post’s comments that basically went like this: I’m much more at ease being “publicly” dominated than I am being publicly beaten, because submission is something I am (for want of a better phrase) hardwired to do. Whereas, masochism is like…it’s a sex act. Flat-out, being beaten is a frankly explicit sex act. Being publicly dominated would be like taking off a mask in front of a select few people. Being publicly beaten would be like having a group of people watch me get fucked.
Further — I don’t know if my submissiveness would extend to other people. I just don’t know how I’d act around other people. My urge to be socially dominant recedes around my wife, but will it stay in the background in public? Will I be the worst sub ever if we go out to play? Will our dynamic change? I’m so socially aggressive and dominant, and I don’t know if those instincts will ruin the vibe with my Mistress if we’re around others. I don’t know if I can sustain my submission in a crowd in the same way I can in private. I mean, I’m not talking about sassing her back or challenging her — I’d never dream of that — but in private, she’s my world. My personality becomes something small and obedient. But in public — I’m so loud, so in the forefront.
We know two couples that talk about being kinky up there. Do we come out to them? What will that entail? Will it change the dynamics of our friendships with them if they know we’re fellow travelers?
And how do we sustain the physicality? My wife and I are used to people giving us private time because we live apart. People volunteer to watch the baby. They give us space. And when she comes down here, we have whole weekends to play alone. Up there, we’re not going to get special privileges anymore. And we’ll have to arrange our play around our little girl. And we might be living with my wife’s parents while we start out until we find a place, which means even further complications.
And more than that, are we going to be able to keep it special? Will we take it for granted that we’re around each other? Will kink become something we put on the back burner because we’re around each other all of the time?
And if we want to keep it in the forefront, how do we manage her dominance and my submission so that it’s ever-present but not something everybody is going to notice? How do we move it up a notch, make it more powerful, make me more submissive and her more dominant?
I know communication will help us navigate this, and I know we have great lines of communication. Fantastic lines, frankly. But it’s time to put it all into action — time to walk the walk instead of talk the talk. Kink has become this wonderful facet of our life — a major facet that has improved our outlook and our intimacy and brought us closer together. But here’s where the hard choices start happening. Here’s where we have to make it work for longer than a weekend.
I don’t know, I just wanted to unload that. Thanks for listening.
May 7, 2008 at 3:06 am
There are a lot more questions here than I can answer right now, and a lot of questions I obviously can’t answer, so I thought instead that I’d share this little bit of insight.
When May and I went to Black Rose (which, by the way, is a 3-day kink ‘conference’ that happens annually in Washington D.C), one of the things I was struck by was that although the space was very crowded and a lot of the focus was on being social, we were still able, in some ways, to create a space that felt private for us. Even in the midst of the flurry of public activity, there is something about kink that *can* narrow the world down to include just you and your partner.
Also, in the scene “mid 30s” is young, not middle aged.
May 7, 2008 at 6:07 am
i am in Maryland. The DC scene is very friendly. The Black Rose group is really great (they hold a big fun convention once a year, too). The Crucible is a great club in DC with very friendly people, too. http://www.the-crucible.com/
May 7, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Here is an example of links (I haven’t checked if they are current) to bdsm groups around you:
http://darkheart.com/usalist.html#Maryland
http://darkheart.com/usalist.html#Virginia
http://phoenixdragon.dreamknight87.com/dc.htm
Basically I googled Maryland Virginia BDSM Group
For people coming in new to the scene, I would suggest you look at the groups that advertise their Munches. They hold dinners, basically, at a local restaurant. Very vanilla! The idea is to allow new people to meet kinksters in a non-threatening setting, where they can talk to people about the group and see what it’s all about. Some groups are “generic” pansexual BDSM groups; some clubs are for specific things, ie. the ClubFEM groups, which cater specifically to FemDommes/malesubs (and sometimes female-subs, too).
Many times, clubs will hold weekly/monthly meetings, to get together and discuss various topics relevant to the community. Our group meets in a private room at a bar on a weekend afternoon
Your submissiveness doesn’t have to extend to anyone but your wife. Because you identify as a submissive, doesn’t mean anyone else who identifies as a Dom/Top/whatever gets to boss you around *G* People in the scene will also sometimes not even refer to themselves by their real names, for their own bit of privacy in public. You may call someone Sir or Ma’am as a sign of respect, but it doesn’t mean you are submissive to them. Likewise, Doms may call each other by Master or Awesome One - if that’s what that person wants to be called (or in the case of the leathemen, have earned that title of Master)
And remember - you don’t have to do anything in public you don’t want to do. Some people we know never play at parties - they are there for the friendship and community; they play in private, because it’s more personal/sexual/whatever for them. lsb and I don’t have those qualms, but like I said earlier, we also use parties to take advantage of play equipment we don’t have!
As with anything else, you’ll just have to test drive the groups. Some may not fit well with you - either by the people in them, their politics, whatever - or you may find one that feels like home.
As for doing D/s all the time at home, for us it is a challenge. Okay, for ME it is a challenge LOL Not because I take my husband for granted. But daily life/stresses/chores/etc *can* get in the way. It will be up to you two to perhaps develop rituals, reminders, scheduling time, to keep it in the forefront. IMO anyway.
*WHEW* Hehe
Hope that helps, some!
May 8, 2008 at 1:12 am
Wow, thanks guys.
Eileen: That’s reassuring to hear. I don’t have any idea what a conference or public scene is like, so it’s good to hear that we can carve out a kind of privacy.
Mrs.Keeper: Great advice, which I’m sure my wife and I will both try to remember. (After I posted this she admitted that she shares my fears, and if anything, they’re more intense for her.) I’m going to check out those links and see if I can find anything we can get our feet wet with.
May 8, 2008 at 10:50 am
You also don’t have to become involved in any group at all-your community can be online and that can be all you want/need.
If you do become part of a scene, remember that it’s still your sex lives, even if part of it happens in front of others. Peer pressure is a powerful force, even when we’re all grown up.
May 8, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I know we don’t have to belong to a RL group, I do, but it’s just…I don’t know how to explain it, except that it’s just this big part of our life that I feel like no one we know understands. Nobody we know is like this (outside of a pair of couples that I don’t know if we’re quite at ease enough to tell.)
It would be nice if we could talk to our friends about it, is what I’m saying, but then again, I don’t know if that makes any sense: we really don’t talk to them about our vanilla sex. But this is such a big part of our life, it’s caused all of these changes in us, we’re so much happier and in love, and — and I think we feel “complete” because of it. And yet, it’s this thing that we can’t share with anyone.
And so ideally, by joining a public scene, we’d make friends that we can talk to it about, can share our experiences with.
Or maybe I’m just talking with the zeal of the newly converted. I don’t know. Maybe this urge to talk it out with fellow travelers, to have friends who understand us, will go away.
May 9, 2008 at 9:06 am
Sounds great-go out and have fun!
May 11, 2008 at 7:27 pm
The urge to “talk it out with fellow travelers” hasn’t waned for me. Even if you’re not going to play in public (I don’t), it’s really nice to just be around like-minded people, especially if they’re friends with whom you can talk about your romantic relationship with complete honesty.
May 11, 2008 at 11:10 pm
We’ve talked before in meetings, about the ‘honeymoon phase’ and how you want to shout from the rooftops how awesome this thing is that you’ve found, this BDSM, why isn’t everyone doing it, and let me tell you all about it and - oh wait, why are you running away?!
It’s a good thing to be cautious and wary of who you talk to - even others you suspect of being “into it” may not want to talk about it to others. And certainly there’s the chance of putting off vanilla friends with talk of bloodletting and D/s in the bedroom
I read local email lists for a year before they started munches and I went and met people who would become some of my dearest friends. I have few vanilla friends now, and the ones I have know I’m kinky, even if we don’t talk about the kink in detail. Good luck in your journey into exploring the public scene.
May 12, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Thanks for the advice, Mrs. Keeper — you pretty much summed up my predicament perfectly. I do want to tell everybody, but if I do, they will all run away.
And you hit the nail on the head: I think my best bet is to develop some kinky real life friendships, in order to scratch that itch, rather than harass my vanilla friends.