You Can’t Have It Both Ways…
April 23, 2008 — underthebootUnspeakable Axe has a good post about what some dommes want over at his blog today. On a related note, my wife and I spent an hour this morning chatting about yesterday’s post.
Amongst other things, she specifically said she wanted our debate over our future to remain free from the baggage of our BDSM relationship. “I don’t want you to argue with me as my slave, I want you to argue with me as my husband. I don’t want to dominate you into a decision, because it would be coercive, and it would make our Mistress/slave dynamic…impure. Wrong, somehow.”
She mentioned in passing that she hadn’t realized how deep my submissive urges ran. “Is that bad?” I asked.
“Nooo…” She said hesitantly. “But I do want you to…how do I put this? I want you to put up a fight. I want you to resist. I want to conquer you. I don’t want you just to curl up and surrender, I like a challenge.”
“So,” I said quietly, “You want me to fight?”
“I’m just saying…the fun is in breaking you, right?”
(I don’t know if I have all of the words right, but that’s the gist of the conversation.)
Now, if she wants me to fight, I’m happy to fight. If she wants me to be combative, hey, I’ll see what I can do. Anything for Mistress. But the problem with these dominant women who want to break a dominant man is that I spend my days being a Type-A, competitive, guy. I like the taste of blood, so to speak. I get off on crushing the opposition. (Get off. Nothing makes me hornier than beating someone. I mean, after one victory a couple years ago, I could have used my cock to jackhammer through concrete.) I’m downright bipolar about this — Darryl Zero-esque, so uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes that I don’t want to talk to the local Chinese place to order take-out, but at work — I break my back. I work hard. And I like to win.
I mean, sure, when I come home, I want to curl up at my lady’s feet, but that means it’s one or the other — you can choose between column A or column B, but I don’t know if you can order something unique. And… I’m really worried that the ass-kicking column is a bit too combative. Too competitive. I’m worried that I won’t be able to find a middle-ground, between abuse-hungry slave and competitive bastard. And, if I can be a little bit cocky — hey, you opened up the door when you asked for the fighter, sweetie — I’m afraid she’ll be biting off more than she can chew.
So what does she want? Does she really want the challenge, or does she want the teddy-bear? And if she wants something in-between, can I somehow find it in me to give it to her?
April 23, 2008 at 9:35 pm
For the record, my wife’s response to this post was, “I’m not worried about biting off more than I can chew with you so long as I have access to the switch.”
And, “I’m not asking you to be totally combative, but I’d love it if you give me a reason once in a while to pull out the toybag and start hurting the fuck out of you…”
April 23, 2008 at 9:46 pm
And God, I’m so schizophrenic when it comes to this. Last night I was all, “Boo hoo, I’m submissive in my heart,” and tonight I’m talking shit about my wife biting off more than she can chew. I guess that’s what you get for living a bifurcated life.
April 24, 2008 at 11:34 am
It would be nice to be a full-time submissive at home because it’s a complete break from the persona you’ve built for yourself at work. Better than taking off those constricting undergarments. As The Mistress, the wife wants someone she can dominate-not just a punching bag. As your wife she wants/needs a more equitable partner. You may also have hyper-developed the aggressive, take-no-prisoners persona as a defense against being seen as submissive in the public sphere. Submission is not seen as a positive trait in our society, especially in men.
If your work persona is all about winning, then try not to let him loose in this argument. You may win the argument, but you will lose the partnership.
April 24, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Becky:
I developed the Type A part of my personality because until I turned 30, I was a bit of a slackass — I was happy being mediocre, happy wasting my potential, content with being a bit of a schmuck. I developed my aggressiveness and competitiveness to kind of overcome the stasis I had in my life. The problem is, I feel like I’m either submissive or the driving force. I’m almost afraid to find a middle ground because to me the middle-ground is that old inertia.
Of course, that’s not the case — there can be a new middle-ground. But it’s scary stuff, trying to make your way back to an old place and remake it into something new without falling prey to bad habits.
If that makes sense. I have no idea if I’m being clear or talking in odd generalities.
April 26, 2008 at 4:52 pm
It’s a common thing for many dominants I think. Many women like the idea of needing to fight to get what they want.
It’s the same thing when it comes to dating. If I act like I’m super interested then their interest level goes down (it’s almost impossible for me not to show interest by the way). If I act more aloof, then their interest increases. Silly I know, but that’s the way it goes.
April 26, 2008 at 9:51 pm
It’s a common thing for many dominants I think. Many women like the idea of needing to fight to get what they want.
Either I am just consistently, ridiculously uncommon, or this isn’t always true. Yea, a bit of a fight can be fun, but I love submission when it’s right there and easy and open.
B, I do hope you can find a balance here. I also love your wife’s response to this post, and I’m curious if you’ll share how this issue turns out. Sometimes a challenge is a great way to grow as a top (or a bottom.)
April 26, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Eileen: I’ll let you all know. With my time in Florida winding up, she and I will be spending much more time together figuring out all of this as we go.
The thing is, I suspect my wife doesn’t want me to fight all of the time — she wants it just enough to be interesting. It’ll be hard figuring out where and when she wants the fight and not the easy submission.