Wait, we’re what?

I’ve got a quiet break in the action of my weekend of social butterflying and hotel-room debauchery, and to make a long story short, apparently sometime this weekend my wife and I switched.

Again. Only this time, she needs it. She aches for it. There’s a yearning in her for humiliation and submission — to me — that I have never, ever seen before. I’ve spanked her, flogged her, clamped her until she cried because she forgot the safe word, fucked her, pissed on her, and had her beg me for a facial. She has just demonstrated a need to submit that I’ve never, ever known her to have, and I’ve demonstrated a need to dominate that I didn’t know was there.

But…

As the weekend goes on, I realize that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I feel mean. I have no touchstone for whether or not I’m being “good dominant” or “selfish, cheesy, lisping bad maledom stereotype dominant”. More than that, I feel selfish — as a white male raised by women, who had mostly female friends during his sexual development, I was raised to give orgasms and be polite and respectful and treat women as my equals and not be a dominant fuckface. And now I’ve got a woman begging me to hurt her and be selfish and to humiliate the hell out of her. (As I write this, she’s in the shower, and I can hear her coughing up semen and piss and whatever else went into her mouth this morning.)

Shit, I don’t even know if I’m dominant. I mean, we all know I’m submissive, and I know that I’ve had an urge to switch of late — to have the power, to control, to hurt — but when it comes time to put that into practice, well, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. And she’s talking about a permanent switch…

So, I’m punch-drunk and off-balance and now I’m scrambling to figure out if I’m dominant, and if I am, to get in touch with that side of me. Because there’s part of me that wants to be that. But I’m having a hard time finding my footing here in order to get the emotional leverage to make that switch. If I’m even capable of it.

She’s out of the shower now, I’ll update more later, and fill in the background for this switch when I have time. But I’ll say that I’m a wee bit scared — of this going wrong, of this being wrong for us, and of what it may unleash inside me. I’ve spent my whole life avoiding being selfish and cruel and dominant to women, and now all of a sudden…