I had a bad day today. I won’t go into details, but I was overworked, overstressed, and just spinning my wheels. I had to — and I can’t emphasize enough how sick to my stomach this makes me feel — admit that I can’t do everything. That I was spinning my wheels.
And I was so stressed about it that my arms broke out in hives, and my chest tightened and I had an anxiety attack of massive proportions. (See kids, this is the flip-side of being a freaky type-A.) I was pacing. I couldn’t think straight. I was probably more stressed than I can ever remember being. I don’t know that I was on my way to having a heart attack, but I suspect I could see it on the horizon.
And after I got it all straightened out, as I felt the weight lift off my shoulders even as they the cords of my neck twisted like serpents and the my gut spewed acid reflux, I called my wife.
And we talked. And we talked about nothing. We talked about a coworker of hers who came out to us about being into BDSM and poly and all of these other yummy things. We talked about the fact that I’ll be up to see her day after tomorrow. And then, she got the Voice, because she knew I needed to hear it, and she told me that she was going to take care of everything. That I had too much going on, and she was going to take all of the weight off my shoulders, and whip my ass. Beat me. Fuck me with the strap-on. Piss on me. Make me disappear into a smoothly running worshipping-machine, where all thought and individuality disappeared, and all that was left was Her. That’s the image she painted in my head.
And my muscles unknotted and the acid reflux went away, and I’m still stressed, but God it was good to know she was there. That she knew what I needed, and what I needed is to turn the brain off, to just be a cock and a set of nerve endings, and those nerve endings are going to flare with pleasure and pain and all I have to do is worship. All I have to do is give up, to surrender, to do the one thing I can’t do at work or in my public persona. To allow myself, for a few glorious hours, to be weak. And weak is so good. To be owned. To be obedient and honest and quiet and secure in the knowledge that she’s taking care of everything.
That’s what D/s is about to me: being weak. Giving in. Surrendering. I can’t give in to the people around me at work or in my public life, but there’s one person who I can give in to: Her. My Mistress. And because I allow myself to be weak and owned, she takes care of me, and all I have to do is obey. Physically, I can be as strong as I want, but my soul: she wants to own it. She wants to own me, every fucking inch.
And she does. At this point, I’m like Pavlov’s dogs when I hear the Voice. I know it’s my Mistress talking. I know it’s time to stop thinking and start listening. And it feels so good to shut down, to just trust and obey. To choose the evil queen, the wicked stepmother, the sexy Bond villainess over Queen and Country. Yes, that’s it: to allow someone to be strong and cruel and hurtful and not fight it, to just let her do it, to give up, surrender, and let it happen.
To be weak. She let’s me be weak. And it’s the best feeling in the world. That’s why 24/7 is such a dangerous attraction for me: because it would be an opportunity to be weak all of the time. But I can’t — I won’t — do that. I fought too hard to learn how to be strong. But once in a while…it’s good to be weak.
I don’t know why I’m saying this, but I just know this is how I feel: this is what it’s about to me.
March 5, 2008 at 4:24 pm
It’s really interesting to read this, thank you for posting so honestly. I’m looking to learn about as many facets of sexuality that I can devour.
Sadomasochismis definately an interest in my intimate life, but I feel as if it’s really unattainable; it’s more of a fantasy then a reality as it’s hard for me to find a partner who would be interested in exploring it with me. I was generally uninterested in vanilla sex until I met someone with dominant characteristics, although very resistant to suggestions of more powerplay, who leaves bruises and is domineering in his own way.
I think that I would be able to achieve a state of weakness and joy like you if I would be able to engage in S&M, but it seems really difficult to move into as a beginner unless I meet someone experienced.
I’ll just live through your experiences for a bit if you don’t mind. Sorry for the massive comment!
March 5, 2008 at 6:18 pm
That’s what D/s is about to me: being weak. Giving in. Surrendering.
I just had a thought - I understand that this is how you cope with stress - we all need some way to let it out. But what would happen if for some reason she were not able to do these things with/for you? A car accident, a long-term illness, hormonal changes during menopause, whatever. It does happen that sometimes our partners just can’t do what they’ve been doing. What then?
March 5, 2008 at 7:09 pm
That’s a great perspective. Thanks for sharing it. As someone who has a hard time being weak (even when the rest of the world is like….dude, just let go) I appreciate hearing how you not only allow it but crave it.
Nice post.
March 5, 2008 at 7:57 pm
“I’ll just live through your experiences for a bit if you don’t mind. Sorry for the massive comment!”
No, that was great — feel free to comment anytime!
–B
March 5, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Tom:
You asked, “But what would happen if for some reason she were not able to do these things with/for you? A car accident, a long-term illness, hormonal changes during menopause, whatever. It does happen that sometimes our partners just can’t do what they’ve been doing. What then?”
I think I’d have to take up mountain climbing for an hour a day.
Or more to the point, there are other things that relax me — playing with my kid, writing, Halo deathmatch, hanging out with friends — but there’s something about D/s that just magically makes me go from “wound tighter than a garrote” to a puddle of love. If my wife couldn’t do it, I’d still love her, it would probably just be harder for me to go “ball of stress” to “relaxed and empty.”
If that makes sense…?
March 5, 2008 at 8:05 pm
“That’s a great perspective. Thanks for sharing it. As someone who has a hard time being weak (even when the rest of the world is like….dude, just let go) I appreciate hearing how you not only allow it but crave it.
Nice post.”
Thanks, Goose. I think that the letting myself be weak aspect is, from the very first time I had submissive thoughts, one of the attractions for me. I don’t use the “evil queen” analogy lightly — I used to get massively aroused whenever the good guy would get tempted by the villainess in books and movies, and wonder what it would be like to just…give in.
I have no idea where it comes from. I mean, I was eight or so when I first started thinking like that.
March 12, 2008 at 11:39 am
“And it feels so good to shut down, to just trust and obey.”
Your honesty always finds it mark with me.
If I could add to this sentence I would say, “and to trust”.
For me, allowing myself to trust someone with my mind, spirit and body is a complete relinquishing that I find no where else except in BDSM.
It is as if I am absorbed into that other person, taken from the reality that is my creation and put into their reality, one that I exist in only because they created me there.
It really is a freeing experience.
March 13, 2008 at 3:31 am
BBW Switch: You’re right. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it a thousand times: I have never felt more intimate with my wife as when she dominates and hurts me. The boundaries between us kind of melt, and I become a part of her.
It’s so romantic. And that’s one word I never thought I’d really use about BDSM.