I’m not talking about OCD.
I’m talking about this. I’m talking about — to save you the trouble of following the link to one of last week’s posts — wanting to be hurt and dominated so badly that your self-interest is compromised…
I had told myself my wife and I wouldn’t see each other again until a big company banquet in April, when she’d fly down and we’d have a romantic weekend alone. I wanted to save money, because the move back in with her is going to be expensive. But I need her. I need sex. I need domination. I need pain. And she can hear the need in my voice.
So next weekend, I’m flying up, and while we have a nice weekend planned with our family — lots of time with my daughter and I — we’ve rented a hotel for Saturday. The wife. Me. Just us. A fairly sound-proofed room with a hot-tub. And our friends, the five Ps: pain, pegging, prostration, pleasure and pee.
I have never been this in love with fucking my wife. This in love with locking ourselves away and just doing sexual things. Getting drunk on it. Getting nasty with it — foot worship and handcuffs and strap-ons and piss and this time — I have been assured by the lady herself — pins. In my skin. Bloodletting. Her painting her name in my blood all over my back. Marks of ownership that will hurt long after the weekend is over.
My wife knows how much I need this. So she took the control from me and bought the ticket. Rented the hotel. Made the plans. Because I’m obsessed. Obsessed with her — her skin, her eyes, her face as she hurts me, her power, the humiliation she heaps on me. I have never wanted anything so bad in my life.
I’ve never, ever, in my life experienced a sexual need like this. I feel out of control and stupid and — frankly — weak. Like I can’t go a month without sex with her. Like, as the date for our permanent reunion gets nearer, I need more, and more, and more. I just can’t help it. I’m obsessed with her. Obsessed with this thing we do.
Maybe when we’re together permanently, and we’re able to do this whenever we want, the obsession will subside.
But I hope not…
