Bloodletting and Broadening Her Horizons

When we started experimenting with BDSM, I took the lead — if we were thinking about getting into floggers, I asked about them on Fetish Lore. If we were thinking about CBT — and just thinking about that reminds me of the session we had night before last where she hurt the hell out of me — I asked discretely or read websites. She was happy to let me do the research, happy to let me lumber around in an ignorant haze and say, “We’d like to try a singletail, what do we do?”

The other night, we were laying in bed discussing things we want to try — breathplay, knives, electrical sex toys. And I mentioned I wanted to play with some kind of electrical toy that I’d seen, and my wife said, “Yes, I researched all that.”

Me: What?

Her: I researched TENS units.

Me: TENS? How do you know TENS?

Her: I read Myles and Eileen’s posts on your blog. And then I did an internet search. It’s expensive. And I’m a bit worried about killing you.

Me: Oh.

Study on her own is just a further sign that she’s been doing a lot more thinking about what’s going on, along with her discussion of her newfound love of objectification. She’s thinking of what we’re doing in terms of “her,” experimenting and exploring on her own and figuring out what pleases her. She’s always worried that I’ve been the one guiding the relationship, suggesting what we do next, and she gets carried along by her urge to please me and because she trusts me to find things that will please her. Now, she’s finding her own way, and pulling me along with her.

One thing that’s always been off-limits have been knives — I’ve been very open that I would love for her to draw blood. Not a lot…but just to mark me with a knife.

(As a side note, when I get an idea like that in my head, you can usually blame it on another blog. I can honestly say that my first foray into her pissing on me is owed totally to a Bitchy Jones post. And me getting carved is definitely something I first thought of after looking at Curvaceous Dee’s blog, and why isn’t it on my blogroll yet?)

And when I bring up knives, my wife’s eyes go wide and her breath catches in her throat and I don’t know whether she’s intensely freaked out and horrified that I’m so sick and broken and submissive where I want to take harm to the next level; or if she’s simply aroused, whether it be by the idea of harming me or by the idea that I love her so much I’m willing to be harmed.

Turns out, it’s arousal.

She spoke openly about it for the first time the other night. “I’m afraid of permanently hurting you. I want to cut you. Really, I love the idea. But…if I slipped, if you got hurt permanently, I’d never want to play with you like that again. And I don’t know that I’d be able to play with you like we do now. I’d always be afraid of permanently hurting you.”

Is it the blood?

“Oh, no. The idea of tasting your blood makes me so…wet. I’m at the point in my head where your blood is just another one of your body fluids in my mind. I think of your blood like I think of your come. Just…yum.”

I cannot tell you how hot that gets me, knowing that she thinks that. And how happy it makes me, knowing that she thinks in terms of my safety. I feel safe trying knife play with her, but I think we’ve settled on maybe a dull knife to begin with, just maybe some scratching on my skin with a pin. Maybe tonight even, while our daughter is being babysat, and we have three or four hours to play.

The bigger question is: where does this urge to be hurt come from? Where does this compulsion to offer up my pain and my blood to her stem from? It’s not normal, is it, to fantasize about your wife holding you down while she cuts her name into you, is it? But I can’t help it. I want it so fucking badly. And the worst part is, I’m okay with it. Really. I’m just blown away that in six months we’ve gone from foot-licking to bloodletting.

Holy cow — today is the six month anniversary of our first, successful D/s session. I’ll have to write about that milestone later.