A brief post…

Why aren’t I in bed? Oh, yes, I’m doing paperwork.

Or, more to the point, I’m thinking about my post about my wife and I first starting out. And I remember in an older post where I tried to figure out where my submission came from, but never engaged in puzzling out where my wife’s dominance comes from.

And I don’t know. We talk about it sometimes. I know for a fact I didn’t “make” her into a dominant, or “pull” her into sadism. I mean, there’s no magic pill I can give her to become either one of those things, or else all those guys who are supposedly submissive with no domme to kick their ass wouldn’t be so forlorn. They’d drop it like a roofie into somebody’s drink, and voila! Instant dominatrix.

I suspect, to a great degree, you either get off on men being put into uncomfortable positions and whipping them, or you don’t. My wife gets off on it, and there’s enough proof in her subconscious reactions to certain stimuli — that is, the way her breath quickens when she sees me on my knees, or the way she gets wet when she beats me — that I’m convinced she’s not faking. I’ve seen what she looks like when she’s faking, and it’s not convincing in the least.

So where does it come from? Did she ever dominate any of her other boyfriends? No. Did she ever have fantasies about hurting men before I suggested that I was submissive? No. In fact, until she dominated me for the first time, she never thought about any of it. I think that first time, she was doing it for me, to see if it was something she could half-ass her way through in order to make me happy, since by that point I was wearing my submission on my sleeve.

So did our first foray into D/s wake up some sleeping part of her? I don’t know. She’s certainly dominant now, God bless her. She certainly knows how to make me dance to her tune, and she definitely gets off on being that party in the relationship. But where did it all come from?

I’ve simply no clue. But in all of the femdom blogs I’ve read, I’ve never heard of a woman just waking up at 34 when she sees a man on his knees and thinking, “Holy fuck, where has this been all my life!?! Hey, you, lick my feet, you gorgeous bastard!” On the other hand, my wife has never really been exposed to anything femdommy or really hardcore BDSM before I submitted to her, either — the one borderline, softcore bondage flick we ever saw was emphatically maledom, which she watched for a college class, and the porn she watched in her free time was very vanilla.

Part of me doesn’t want to wonder too much — to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs to see how it works, only to lose the goose and the eggs in the process. But part of me wonders about what’s going through her head — I’d love to figure out what chemical lightbulb went off the first time she dommed me and said, “Okay, next time I hit him with a belt…”