Sustainability

Yesterday’s post about the effect my wife talking has on me — and how I love for her to talk to me during a scene, and want more, more, more — got me thinking again about how if I was a “real” sub like some of these men I read about, I would just accept her for how she likes to run a scene. I would accept the fact that she doesn’t like talking a lot, and then roll with it. Because she gets to make the rules. I shouldn’t pressure her.

And I’m going to say that just doesn’t work for us.

My primary worry is that I’m running the relationship from the submissive role, which, thankfully, doesn’t seem to be the case. My wife has areas where she wants our D/s lifestyle to go, and she pushes and pulls until we get there. I have desires about how my submissiveness will play out in scenes, and I don’t see any harm in making her aware of them. The final arbiter about how a scene plays out is going to be her — but at the same time, we’re in this to have fun. We’re in this to build a sustainable, longterm BDSM relationship. And that means communication, it means making sure we’re doing what the other wants. My wife won’t be my Mistress for very long if it’s a giant hassle for her, if I’m overly needy and wheedling and always complaining and pressuring. At the same time, I will be an unruly and insubordinate submissive if she turns inward on herself, and it’s all about her.

This is probably anathema to some people out there. Subs are for submitting — dommes get to dominate. The very nature of the names seems to imply a lack of consensus between parties being necessary for the longterm health of the relationship; I mean, if I was a real submissive, I’d take what was given. But I see us as two halves of a greater whole, and the better those two pieces fit, the stronger the whole will be. Her dominance comes into play because, at the end of the day, it’s her decision: she is the final arbiter. I can ask for accommodation, I can ask for more talking during play or harder blows during a beating, but she’s the one who gives the final yes or no.

It helps that it’s a two-way street. In the aftermath of our attempt at switching, my wife made it clear that one of her problems with being the domme was that she felt like I expected too much planning.

“In the leadup before your visits,” she said, “you’d always ask me to tell you what I was going to do to you, asked what plans I had in mind. And that’s not how I like to play. I like to just sit there and look at you, naked and waiting, and then pick a toy out. To play it by ear, based on what I’m feeling and what I think you need. Planning puts pressure on me, and dommeing you should not be something that I feel pressure about.”

I responded, “Baby, when I’m asking you to tell me what you have planned, in slow, exacting detail, what I’m really aiming for is phone sex. We live apart. I like phone sex.”

“So you don’t need planning?”

“Sweetie, I could care less whether or not you have a thirty page manual or whether you’re making it up on the fly.” I said. “Do you make it up on the fly now?”

“Oh, yeah,” she nodded.

“Have you read my blog? Do you know how happy I am with our relationship? If you’re making it up as you go along, you’re doing a bangup job. Fuck planning.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Hell, yes. You’re so good to me, so good at domination, so good at hurty-fun, why the hell would I ask you to change what you’re doing so well?”

And the thing is, that’s another reason for me to push a bit. My wife, for all of her ability to transform herself into an angry goddess with flashing eyes and a cruel smile, second-guesses herself outside of our scenes. She doesn’t think she talks sexily enough, when as my last post indicates, her words can turn a mouthful of piss into a religious experience. She sometimes wonders if she’s cruel enough, or too rough, or…

She sometimes needs assurances, outside of the scene. She wants affirmation. Because this is new. She’s been vanilla for her entire life, she had no clue that she was a dominant sadist (or whatever category she fits into.) Even if she’s my Evil Queen when she’s dominating me, when it’s just us, outside of a scene, she’s back to being my sweet wife, the one who once asked me to give my jacket to a homeless man who looked cold, and who cries when people win game shows. And I want to assure her, because the more confident she is in her abilities, the better she is at dominating me. And the more confident she is in our scenes, the more that splashes over into other areas of her life — I mean, once you can scratch bloody furrows into your husband to watch him writhe in pleasure, once you can un-ironically have the man you’ve been married to for twelve years lick your feet and call you “Mistress,” once you have him wear a bridle and reins, there’s not much in the real world that’s going to make you nervous. For her, dominance in the bedroom leads to a bit more confidence outside it.

As for me, I’m just as insecure, it just fits me better as the sub. “Did I please you? Was that good?” That sounds nice coming out of a sub’s mouth. I can even say it in-scene and not break the mood. It helps that I can rely on my wife — when she’s acting like my Mistress — to school my ass when I get too pushy or too needy. “I’d like it if you would play with me now, Mistress…” results in “You’ll get to play when I decide you should get to play, and no sooner.” And rather than upset me, it makes me hot to be denied like that, because I know, deep in my heart, that it’s about her, not me: she’s focusing on her wants and desires, not mine. No lie, some of the best sleeping I’ve ever done has been after she denies me sex late at night. “What did I SAY?” she’ll say, as I try to plead and beg for a little scene, and then she tells me to undress and how to lay and positions me in her arms and then…I’m out. And happy.

Sustainability. That’s what we’re working toward. Maybe someday, the dirty fantasy we have in our heads about 24/7 Mistress/slave marriage will come true, and I’ll lose the right to request or recommend or comment, but right now, that give and take is probably one reason why this is working well for us. And when I think about how good things are, I stop worrying overly much about not being a real submissive because I plead for a little more talk during play.