It’s My Birthday…

…this week. I’d ask for gifts, but I think that’s a femdom thing. I think subs are just supposed to be grateful we have dominant women in our lives or something.

And, really, that’s what this post is about…

I am grateful. A year ago, I hadn’t even really come out to myself about all my submissive personality traits, and I was miserable, depressed, in denial. A year ago, when I heard about people practicing BDSM, I cracked jokes about “Mistress Spanksalot” or something equally stupid, in some kind of weird rejection of my own impulses which I knew lurked under the surface, even if I rarely admitted it. BDSM freaked me out, repulsed me, attracted me, made me queasy with fear and arousal.A lot can happen in a year.

Now, I’m healthy, happy, and comfortable in my own skin. And I’m having a passionate love affair, and unlike a lot of married guys, I’m positive will end happily, because it’s with my wife. In her — my mistress, my wife, my best friend — I’ve found someone wonderful, caring, supportive, eager, self-assured, and quite capable of hurting the hell out of me without batting an eye. She’s cruel and loving and harsh and tender and if you asked me how somebody can be all of those things at the same time, I couldn’t tell you — but that’s what she is.

BDSM is full of those paradoxes. In the last year, I’ve read blogs, visited forums, (posted under the name Belisarius at Fetish Lore) and the one thing that never ceases to blow my mind is that there are people out there who get off on hurting others, and who get off on being hurt, and they’re friendly and open and very at ease. These people have the same impulses that I fought and buried and denied and somehow, they all seem more normal than most of the people I go out for drinks with after work. A lot of people have taken the time to give me good advice, to comment here, to respond at Fetish Lore, and to basically ease my wife and I into the waters, so to speak, and if you’d told me that I’d be eagerly reading blogs about forced feminization and 24/7 D/s and all of the other colors of the kink rainbow out there, I’d have never believed you.

The one thing I’ve been blessed by is that my life keeps getting better — each year, no matter what obstacles pop up, is better than the last. And this year has been the best of all. If you’d told me last November that a year from then I’d be counting the hours until my wife whipped the hell out of me with our new flogger while I was shackled to the bed with a ballgag in my mouth, I’d've told you you were crazy, then quietly gone off to masturbate. Now, it’s my reality.

My wife and I are going to celebrate next week when I come up to visit, and all I can think of now is, “What will she do with the candle wax now that we’re into this kinky stuff?” Oh, the possibilities. I wonder where I’m going to be forced to eat the cake?

Happy Birthday to me, indeed.