My wife today suggested that when we start living together again, we should go to 24/7 domination and submission. Not in so many words — she’s doesn’t read blogs or hang out with other people into the lifestyle she doesn’t know the language. But, this is what she said today: “Sometimes I feel like we’re off-kilter. Sometimes I feel completely in control and sometimes I feel a lack of control. I need to have all of the control…all of the time. Is that bad?”
And I asked if she meant total control, all of the time, D/s 24/7, and she said, “The only time when you would have control is at your job. Everywhere else, I’m in total control of you. I make the decisions, you obey.”
And the thing is, the idea made me hot. Really hot. Like, “never been this hot before” hot. My ears were burning and my face was flushed and the flag was not only at full mast but straining at its bonds, if you know what I’m saying. I was so aroused. The idea of my wife — my Mistress, the woman who hurts me and dominates me and holds me down and does all sorts of awful and wonderful things to me — running the show. All of the time. It was perfect.
But, the reality is, we’re new at this. The people who I’ve read about who do all D/s, all the time, they’re usually hardcore. The maledom/femsub scene is so hardcore it’s kind of scary to me, and the femdom/malesub 24/7 couples, while less hardcore, seem to involve the guys doing a lot of housework. There’s nothing wrong with doing housework, but if I’m going to commit to being a slave whenever I’m not in my suit and at work, I want it to be hot-and-sexy slavery, not me cleaning all of the time because that’s somebody’s idea of real submission.
And that’s the conundrum — I know we’re not ready for fulltime D/s. So does my wife. We don’t live together right now, we’re new to D/S, and we won’t be living together again until June, so this is wistful talk on our parts. We are, as I like to say, amateur hour, but amateur hour is okay — one day we’ll be playing in a dungeon in our basement, I’ll be chained to the rafters, she’ll be flogging me until I’m candystriped with welts, and it’ll all be good. Until then, once a month we have a lost weekend where we defile some hotel room, or our house while our daughter’s at daycare, and it’s good. Very good.
But the ensuing conversations involved us dissecting where we’re at, and where we want to go, and a couple things became apparent:
First, my wife and I get different things out of domination and submission, sadism and masochism. (Duh.) As we talked about her urge to just control me all of the time, she said, (I’m paraphrasing) “I feel like my life is out of control, with you out of town and the next phase of your career potentially moving us anywhere in the world, and the nature of my job and career field always being at the subject of state budget cuts. And our relationship as Mistress and slave, it’s an area where I have control, and I guess I want more control, and this is the easiest place to push for it — us doing this is my safe place.”
And the thing is, for me, I feel like I have to be in control all of the time. Down here, at work, with my family, with my friends, everywhere, I’m always in control. And D/s, our shared space where she’s Mistress and I just completely annihilate myself — that’s where I can give up control. I think about things all the time. Even during our vanilla sex, I’d think about whether or not I had the right angle or if she was into it or if we’d wake the baby – there’s always a voice in my head, yammering about this or that or whatever. But when I’m being dominated, those voices are quiet — the wheel is in my wife’s hands. She’s driving. My focus is 100% on her, her pleasure, the pain she’s giving me, submitting to her, kissing her feet, her ass, her cock, her pussy. Obeying. Being taken care of. The collar I wear just focuses me on something other than work or home or the world. The world is my wife. My mistress.
So we come at this from opposite angles, but because of that, we fit perfectly.
The second thing I realized is that my wife is just naturally down with all of this. D/s, S&M, all of it — all of the things I spent months learning about, putting names to, categorizing and dissecting before approaching her with my needs, they don’t exist for her. All of that stuff is just one knot that’s labeled “our relationship.” And she’s not only comfortable like that, I suspect she’s happier than most people. It works for her. She has no hangups, because she has no pre-existing notions of what a good relationship should be like, or what fits into this box or should have that label. I remember, after a particularly wonderful session where she dominated the hell out of me, fucked me in the ass, and then had me ride her, she got off of me and gave me head.
”Spank me while I suck your dick,” she said.
And I smacked her ass, over and over again, until it turned hot and red, and she moaned into me and shook her ass enticingly when I’d slow down, but for a split second I thought, “Hey, I’m the sub, I’m the masochist. How does this work?” It was fun, it was great, but I spent a lot of time afterwards dissecting what that entire scene was about. Later on, I read a blogpost at Devastating Yet Inconsequential, I think — where they talked about the domme in that relationship being a bit masochistic herself. And I ran and I emailed that entry to my wife, and said, “Now it all makes sense — even though you were into the pain, and you were enjoying me spanking your ass really hard, you were in total control, you were still the dominant.”
And if she was the type, my wife would have said, “Duh, stupid.” But she just raised and eyebrow and said, “Yeah, I thought you knew that. Are you surprised?”
It comes easy to her. I envy her. And maybe that’s why the idea of 24/7 slavery to her (outside of work) appeals to me — because I think too much, and it would be a chance to just turn off and focus on her, to have that peace that comes over me when she takes the reins all of the time…
What the hell, maybe in ten years.
