If I wasn’t already in awe of my wife because I’m a dirty sub who likes her to tower over him while she smacks his face and forces him to fellate a strap-on, I’d be in awe of her because she’s adapted to the change in our relationship incredibly well.
I know, from having seen all of the books about how to gently tell your wife you kinda sorta want to worship her divine hotness (while she beats you with a flogger,) that most women do not instantly embrace their inner Domme. I have hit the lotto, because most wives simply do not realize that “You know, this is what I’ve always wanted to do. Now — how do I tell him to lick the toe of this boot while we have sex?” Especially when they’re good Christian girls who heretofore felt guilty about giving her husband phone sex if the talk involved a third party.
But my wife has decided that, yes, she enjoys hitting me very much; having me lay there while she pees on me makes her hot; and if there’s a sight better than me going down on a fake dildo while she calls me names, just before she pegs me, she doesn’t know what it is. She knows just what to say, what tone of voice to use to make my head drop, and our first “session” could not have gone better. She has even integrated our BDSM into her spiritual life — every night, she asks the Lord to bless our new lifestyle and to have it bring us closer together. (Being wracked with Catholic guilt about even normal dirty sex, praying about this sort of thing is somewhat crazy to me.)
In short, she has no hangups about this at all — if anything, she feels like it’s something that’s been inside her all along that’s been waiting for the day it can come out. (And she’s gotten more assertive in the rest of her life, too, which is wonderful.) She’s a sadist and a dominant and she’s happier because of it.
I asked her about it the other night on chat before the real world stuff started getting in the way of our talks. I said, “It’s just cool how accepting you are of our this new side of our natures…”
And she said [over a couple of posts,] “We are who we are. Why be ashamed of it? Embrace it. It’s much more enjoyable that way. Everything about it screams, sexy! Don’t get me wrong…I’m not prepared to discuss it with anyone yet. People have hang-ups…big ones. People are too judgmental without getting all the info. But being that insecure sexually ambivalent wife was boring and gave me a headache. She’s gone and I hope she stays gone forever.”
And she has accepted it, and she’s good with it. It’s been an incredible change. And I’m the luckiest guy in the world because of it, because I can’t imagine how bad it would be for me if she didn’t accept it. If she didn’t accept me. If she was just freaked out and alienated from me because I wanted to do these things. When I told her that I was submissive — we didn’t even suspect the fact that I was masochistic or into pegging or pee — the most I hoped for was that once in a while, she’d put on a pair of leather boots and play along and not begrudge me too much. Instead, she’s tapped into this thing inside her that wants to dominate and hurt and be pleasured, a thing she never even suspected was there.
And what it’s done to her sex drive — she used to wonder how I could want to have sex more than twice a night. The last time we were together, after I had come three times that afternoon, she informed me that I had better give it up again, or be prepared to have her take it. She’s insatiable. BDSM has turned her into a sex-addict.
So I’m lucky. And today, as I pack up our toy-chest to go see her tomorrow, I can’t help but think of how lucky. Because she gets this — she understands instinctively what she wants and what I need, what boundaries she wants to enforce and what boundaries she wants to let crumble in our lust. She’s good at this. If it didn’t sound too wide-eyed and amazed, I’d say she was born to do this.
Part of me wonders how many people are like her out there, who have this hidden desire for BDSM but don’t ever think about it or have the language to express it, who if they just got the chance would feel their sex-drives kick into overdrive and become brash and uninhibited and hotter than hell. Because it’s literally turned my wife around.
[EDIT: And I am utterly torn between the need to treat this as a journal and post everything that comes to mind as it comes, or to spend long hours editing spelling and grammar and tenses. There's got to be a happy middle-ground where I post frankly and from the heart and it doesn't sound like someone wrote it for whom English is a Second Language.]
